Punishment... I want it.
See, that right there. What is that? Who says they want to be punished? I know some of you have to want it, on some level, don't you?
I'm not talking of play punishment, I want a punishment that I don't want. That makes no sense, no sense at all. Is it a punishment if I want it?
The topic came up yesterday with Mr. S. I tried to explain why I think it would be good for me and I think he understands my thinking and sees my point. Kind of exciting.
Then I ask if he wants it too -damn my mouth. He said that we can try it. I hate when he does that; he answers but doesn't answer my question.
"But do you want to," I ask.
"I'm willing to try for you."
This is exactly what I don't want. I want him to have a want to do it.
So, I told him that I don't want it.
I really don't want him to do it just for me. But... damn it... I do want it.
Gesh, I sound like a nut job.
I think this is so hard for me because everything else we do, he wants to do it and it seems natural for him. This is a whole other level, I get that, but I feel like I'm pressuring him and taking advantage of him.
So, at this point, I'm pissed at myself because if I hadn't asked if he wanted it we would be headed in the direction I want. Now, that I opened my big mouth, we aren't.
I'm inclined to ask advice but I'm afraid that you are all going to say I overreacted, not that you wouldn't be right, I just don't want to hear it, lol.